It's times like tonight when I need to glance in the rearview mirror. 

Sometimes ghosts are a reminder of a face we don't want to see again,

and sometimes it's our own. 

I need to transport myself back to tenth grade, when I thought I was hot shit (sorry, but no other way to say it). 

For my age, I was a skilled debater. I was good at coming up with the phrase that people would want to hear for a newspaper article. I was head of ACYOA. I tied for first in the festival of nations. I had a lot of friends. I ran cross-country and track. 

In some ways, I was a stranger to myself. 

A foreigner to my own genuine thought, since I was constantly trying to say what people wanted to hear (unless it was debate, in which case I was guessing what people would LEAST like to hear:)

There were major flaws in the way I was handling my friendships. I got sucked into complaining with others about whoever they were complaining about at the time. 

And when things looked uncertain, I found that debate, newspaper, track, none of that mattered at all.

What mattered WERE my relationships, including my relationship with myself. 

I didn't have a great one with myself

And I didn't have ones that stood up to the tests of that time with others. 

Some of it was due to virtue of being in different classes than friends and "dropping off the face of the planet"

But I had only three or four friends left at that time.

Talk about humbling. 

In the span of junior year of high school, I learned who I was, I re-discovered who I was, and I grew from who I was. A lot. In ways that sometimes only carrying death in your back pocket can. 

I tasted winter air like it was my last winter, just in case. I appreciated the cold.

I made up test after test after test, knowing that the biggest worry in the world should never be whether I got a B on an assessment. 

I re-defined my values, and saw what talents I should be nurturing (instead of my "aspiring lawyer" ones). 

I was grateful for my friends, and I gave up gossip. 

Living life like a prayer was constantly recognizing and giving thanks for each good thing in my life. 

I was a different person my senior year of high school. 

It turned out NOT to be life-threatening, but I nonetheless carried that possibility for several months. 

But while death is something that's good to see in the mirror once in awhile to reassess life, it's bad to stare at for long periods of time. 

I eventually let it go. 

I'm glad I did. 

But that also means that I don't live as appreciatively, and sometimes I forget those lessons that I learned. 

In the past week, I've been asked if I would mind being featured in 2 videos.

I've been noticed and treated well by some important people.

I've been doing a pretty good job with my responsibilities. 

I'm sought for quotes. 

And so it can be tempting to become "hot shit" again.

The difference now is that I know better what I should be doing and why I should be doing it. 

I know that I shouldn't be stressing out over these papers. 

I know that I should be making time for friends.

I know that I should be more efficient with my time, because you might not have tomorrow to do what you want to do.

I should let my talents stand for something more than me. 

I should be appreciating all "the big things" that I have in my life more. 

Despite the fact that my head has been inconvenient, to say the least, nearly every day this semester (I've skipped class several times), I have not remembered all these lessons.

Tonight was a good night to look back and remember my mistakes in the past

And use that to guide the future.