You know, occasionally you just gotta shout!

I can say this definitively: God answers prayers! He's definitely working some special sauce into my life. And trust me: it's all Him!

I made a few feeble attempts to give up my bottled-up anger up to God last year. There were more "stressors" in my life than usual, and it revealed some weaknesses in how I dealt with things. I would wait until I got really angry, and then pray really hard :P I just felt like I was venting to God then, which isn't productive. So then for awhile, I even grew complacent. Definitely not a good place to be. It's like your insides are candy and someone let a cranky two year old run loose in there: eating away/gnawing/leave the gummy worms please!

You know what I've figured out? I need to pray right away. Right when I feel the shadow of anger cast over me. Not 3 days later when something else happens, and I find out that I'm really not "over" it. It stops me from saying bad things, thinking bad things, and helps me and others find a constructive end to whatever is going on. Or to just decide it's not worth it and to let it go (and really let it go). WAY more productive than being angry and aloof, and way less toxic to me.

And I'm letting it be about the journey, again, too. I feel peace and joy when I'm walking to class, when I'm sitting at the computer, when I'm talking to someone new. I just feel God's PRESENCE. I feel myself praying almost constantly (we have fun and honest chats, which I greatly enjoy!). I'm remembering what fullness and blessings are prepackaged and delivered, and ready to be opened each day that we're given. EACH day that we're alive.

Calm is a good way to feel. At peace with whatever God has in store is a good way to feel (whether I meet a studmuffin at 23 or 45 or am a fun dog lady). That's been perhaps one of the largest challenge of the last year: working through whether I really want that will to be done. I can honestly say now that I'm at peace with whatever my future holds. As long as God's in it! And preferably some awesome friends as well. All I can do is continue to lean on God as I make this way down this crazy road, and use this time to acquit myself well and learn what God wants me to learn.

You know, relationships (with God, and everyone) have high points, and they have dry points. I had definitely hit a dry point. My prayer at times was just begging God to help me grow the seed of faith that was in me, because that's all I could do. I now have a more honest prayer life, a more humble and penitent spirit, and a deeper understanding of God's grace and how he works. And that seed? It's definitely growing. And I KNOW that I can attribute it to the big guy, because Lord knows, I tried to "cope with anger/fear" etc etc by myself, or with my own ways, and it sure didn't work. I am truly humbled.

I usually don't like to be too "sappy," but I've just seen God answers so many prayers lately...and not just in my own life. I've seen what he's capable of when I let him be involved: everything good. Do I have tremendous amounts of work to do? Yep. I already know some of the areas that I need to tackle next. Will it take constant application and effort and constant humility to keep growing, and maintain growth? Absolutely. But, for a moment, I'm just going to give thanks and rejoice for feeling God in my life again in a big way.

Is there something in your life, some inveterate fault, that has been so hard to overcome? If so, feel free join this adventure with me! I'm going to continue to work hard for God's glory.

On an aside, I have to confess how much I adore my research lab! Dr. King is intelligent and quirky, and so are Catherine, Ashley, and Regina, so we have some fun times with some strong girls! I enjoy the challenge, and the support. I also continue to love my friends (I had an especially great weekend with Rhee Rhee), my Bible study, and my chosen profession. And occasionally, chicken nuggets.

Next entry I will have fun back-to-school stories!