Life is not what it once was.
I was cruising with my friends on an ocean liner, steered by a teacher-captain.
I was directed down the street by the street guard.
I followed momma and poppa duck.
Street signs pointed to the path to follow in life.

Equations were the norm.
Hard work + stretching your mind = best possible grades
Best possible grades + talents + not being a major creeper = college
etc etc

I knew where I'd be. What town I'd be living in. What middle school I'd be going to. What activities I could join. Who would be around.

I am one of the last people to romanticize childhood. There are a lot of tough factors which people tend to forget as they get older (recognition of these helps me relate to kids and understand what they need)
But the point is, despite all those potentially trying experiences, there was always some established order. There was always a strong sense of where I'd be, or what I'd be doing the next year.

And then you're pushed into the murky waters
You have to look both ways at the crosswalk by yourself
Momma and poppa duck are swimming in a different pond
And there are no signposts.
There are still a few equations. But fewer. Or they are not as concrete.
There are so many variables.

What I want to say first is that I have loved everywhere that I have been. I appreciate having the opportunity to broaden my mind, learn new customs and habits (I've been trying to shake saying 'sir' and 'ma'am' while I'm here in the north) and have been blessed with many great experiences.

That being said, I have been a perpetual nomad.
What city was I going to be living in 6 months from now for grad school?
Do I move from the apartments into the dorms?
Where should I do my 1-week rotations?
Where should I do my 3-month rotations (x3)?
Where will I live after school?
What are the implications of each of these choices on my future?
Life is constantly hanging from a hinge
Sinew and tissue
No strong grasp on the future
On where I'm to go (forget what type of OT specialty that I'll practice in)
Or where I should apply for jobs (geographic location and practices)? Where I should live?
Where there is also a likelihood of meeting some quality friends (read: with some less than 30 years)
And is that gut feeling God-given intuition or food poisoning?

2013 is just a bit daunting.
My last two rotations are both about settled,
But I'm far from settled yet.
There is so much to go through school-work wise. I have 3 big guaranteed moves before 2013 closes. Afterwards, I have boards and job searching. I know that the ambiguity is part of the journey, and life is all about the journey, but part of me would love a crystal ball.

I'm excited about graduating. I don't have anxiety about my fieldwork experiences. But entering uncharted waters (once again) after finishing all my school requirements has me slightly on edge. It's discussed often (with teachers, advisers, parents, grandparents, and occasionally with my cat). And, for the first time, these stays have no expiration date. They can always be changed, but it isn't like it's a 3-year max stay, like happens with school.

I'm thankful for 2013. So many new things are on the horizon.
And I'm not biting my nails or consumed by thoughts about the future. But it is the type of thing which can sometimes keep one up late at night and result in a new blog post :)
I just wish there were a clearer feeling or direction about where my greatest joy and use lies.