On love and faith and tough days

There are days when things go really well at the clinic. There are also days when I struggle to separate sessions or to be who the kids need me to be. I struggle to be calm, to not be defensive ("No. I didn't bring him back here because there was no one in the waiting room"). Everything feels like an emergency, because if I'm ever even 5 minutes late, I could flunk my patient surveys.

That was today. A race from 2pm-7pm after no shows and cancellations from 9am-2pm. 

It's taken me time to realize that peace and peace of mind are a mindset, not the absence of trials. 

Because it's tempting...it's tempting to think of the if onlys. The "we'd get along great if only ____ did/didn't do..." or the "I'd be so calm if only..." 

But those who loved the deepest from the core didn't only love "if only _____ did ...." It's no testimony to anything to be calm on a sunny day. It's how we act on the rainy days that show how deeply we love or don't love. 

Do I love enough to not defend myself in trivial matters, even when I'm in the right? Do I love enough to see the child in front of me, not the behavior in front of me? Do I love enough to push to tears when I need to push, or to be calm instead of funny? To be patient and give a child an honest chance and struggle before I jump in, even if it's slow and I need to get X, Y and Z done? Do I love enough to go out of my way? To remember that it's not a job but an opportunity to impact lives?

These are ways that I want to love, but if I'm being honest, the answers to all those questions today were no.  

Slightly or not-so-slightly masked panic was at the center, not peace. 

The more that I think about things, the more I realize that although feelings can be natural, behaviors are choices. Reactions are choices. Seeking God is a choice, and not a choice to be made at the end of the day and before meals, but to be made moment by moment in the day, especially in that hard moments. It's not aiming for perfection, but aiming to reflect perfection. 

Maybe the love you seek to reflect is from a differing source: Allah or Buddha or the divine spirit of the universe. Regardless, lets make a point to reflect the love, not the too-easy trap of cynicism or detachment. It's so easy to reflect cynicism to fit in, but it's time to be okay with standing out. Standing up. And reaching out for others to join us on our trot to do good. 

That's who/what I want to be. Not this. Not today. 

There are different choice that I need to make tomorrow, then. 

And for the friends who appreciate a verse, here's what God led me to...Sirach 1.22-30
Unjust anger cannot be justified, for anger tips the scale to one's ruin. Those who are patient stay calm until the right moment, and then cheerfulness comes back to them. They hold back their words until the right moment; then the lips of many tell of their good sense... Do not disobey the fear of the Lord; do not approach him with a divided mind, do not be a hypocrite before others, and watch over your lips. Do not exalt yourself, or you may fall and bring dishonor yourself.