Joining the working world has not been the easiest transition. 

I jumped into a position where I am expected to know a lot about everything, and where there's only one other fully qualified OT to teach me.

Furthermore, I supervise a 65 year old and a 69 year old who are BFFLs. 

I hate feeling like I've let someone down. And one day, I left a laptop in the hallway when I went to talk to someone. And an administrator walked by. I've made oversights on documentation. I haven't known to do things. 

There was a near fall. For someone a wee bit neurotic and introverted, talking to people all day can be hard. 

And then there's the fear...the ever present fear in our litigious culture, that something will go wrong. I'll leave a file out. I won't ask a patient if they'd like to converse somewhere more private. A patient will fall and demand our firing. I won't know something that's standard care. 

We have productivity that thankfully my boss is pretty nonchalant about, but because I love her so much, I try to do my fair share to keep us at that 90% productivity rate. 

And yet, I love my job, and I'm realizing all over again that life again is all how you frame the circumstances.

Because who in their right mind, I wondered, would sign up for something like this? Something where a thousand tiny acts of kindness can be undone with a patient roster left out (I know someone fired that way)? 

And right as I was thinking that, I heard the lyrics "love alone is worth the fight."

It's true. That's it. A paycheck isn't worth it. Fun isn't worth it. Only love. 

There's a lady who is going to die. I've accepted that. My favorite patient. She used to require maximal assist from 3-4 people just to stand. Now no one needs to lay a hand on her. Yet, her body is shutting down. She went to the hospital once, this woman I laugh with, and when she got back she said "I missed you as much as my own daughter." The whole sessions with her are filled with a smorgasbord of funny exchanges and dramatic expressions. 

What's the point of all our hard work when it all ends up being for naught?

Love alone is worth the fight. 

And that cantankerous gentleman? He teaches me patience. Because as frustrating as listening to his constant frustrations can be, he is a child, beloved by God, and for my father, I will strive to see what He sees. 

The older women assistants? They've taught me in the face of unjust criticism, I can either become an enemy or become someone that tempers and does right and takes the high road and earns respect. Sometimes you gain more than you lose when you show a little restraint, humility, and do not counter an attack. 

When a patient bounces off my caseload, they almost always request to be let back on. Each person is a tender seed, and if you show him or her care, they will flourish...emotionally if not physically. 

I was at my wits end with trying to help others come to terms with this as my calling. I never really felt called to anything in my entire life before OT. But with OT, I knew. And I fought. And I reasoned. And I researched. And God placed OT after OT in my family members' lives that helped sway them. And when it almost got to be too much...when I thought to myself "God, I give up after this. I can't fight anymore. I can't have all this conflict," there was a softening. 

He continues to give me words in tough situations. He continues to guide me when I let him. He continues to whisper to me after I've raged angry on the way home, til I'm filled with forgiveness and love for those gossiping. Because "whenever you face trials of any kind, consider it nothing but joy because you know that the testing of your faith produces endurance, and let endurance have its full effect, so you may be mature and complete, lacking in nothing." Because we are to "be hospitable to one another without complaining. Like good stewards of the manifold grace of God, serve one another with whatever gifts you have received. Whoever speaks must do so as one speaking the very words of God."

And love of God is stronger than fear. Even if I lost my job due to a mistake...even if I lost my license, we are to "prepare [ourselves] for the testing, and in times of humiliation be patient, for gold is tested in the fire, and those found acceptable, in the furnace of humiliation." 

I'm a normal, fun 26-year old. I don't preach to people, and only once have I ever "talked God" with a patient. But I wonder sometimes how my actions preach to people. Accurately, or not accurately? If I fly off the handle, what do I represent? The calm of Christ or the selfishness of ego? 

I don't really know how long I'll be at this facility or where I'll end up, or whether I'll be an OT forever or not, but I do know as long as I am here, I am learning valuable lessons. Even though some come with a price, loving and connecting with others is worth the cost 10 times over. They're worth the fight. Thanks, God.