I'm in 10th grade AP Global or Honors English, and I see him.

There's chemistry, and I think we both feel it.

But I also know something else. 

That's the year that I learned to tell that

there is a difference between being attracted to someone and allowing myself to like someone.
Because I always felt torn. Conflicted. 

Attraction isn't based on character or morals or values or anything. It's just that easy feeling of talking together, laughing together, looking forward to passing by each other in the halls.
Attraction is easy and it's a high. 

And one of the hardest things in life is fighting it. 

I crushed a little, but then I decided that I was attracted to Alex*, and did not necessarily like him in a way that made any sense to date. Because the possibility of marriage has always kinda been the purpose of dating to me. 

So I fought it. 

And even all these years later, I'm glad I did. 

There's a guy at my new job (same parent company, closer to home), and it's that. Attraction. 

And it's hard. It's easy to want to throw away all of who you are sometimes when you enjoy who someone else is 

Because you can know in your head that it's not something to go for, but you see them, and they make you smile and laugh as you shake your head. 

It's easy to get caught up in the feeling, and hard to hold onto the thread of truth:

The basis for a good relationship is sacrifice for a common goal and common values and The Other. 

The end goal isn't to be happy. It's to refine you. 

But one cute guy that cares for your patients well can make you want to unlearn all that 

There's just a couple strands of thread that hold you back. 

But there ARE strands holding you back, and that's important. 

Here's what I cling to:

Mantra: "He's better off with someone else. I'm better off with someone else."

Logic: How would this pan out down the road when attraction eventually wears out? Competence is hot, but so are faith and love.

Morals: This guy isn't married, but obviously if they are, that's a no-never-no-at-all-costs. Adultery isn't okay. Ever. You don't do that to a sister. You don't do that to a brother. You don't do that to sacred vows. You wouldn't want to marry someone wondering if they would do the same thing (leave) you. 

Prayer: Through God, all things are possible. Even waiting or living life forever entirely single. The joy of the Lord can be my strength and fight the enemy's stronghold. Because when you look at what God really said, he never said that you're alone. Or a loser. Or strange. Or have something wrong with you. He says I know you intimately and am with you always. You are fearfully and wonderfully made [by ME]. I have plans for you, that no one else can complete. Your life has purpose. I see you. You. Are. Loved. 

Good books: Nothing like Jane Austen or Francine Rivers to remind me why waiting for the right guy is worthwhile. Sometimes fiction helps us imagine better. Imagine the full plan. I would never cheer for a heroine to run after the guy that I'm attracted to now. It just screams STAY AWAY.

Ultimately, I want a quality guy. Or none. Because being in conflict with a guy who won't stay home with his kids, who won't have a similar parenting philosophy, or will have huge bad habits is worse than being alone and making a way in my relatively-happy-sometimes-lonely life.

So I will continue to fight attraction, as evidence mounts until the day that I'm glad that I held out. Backed out.

It ain't pretty to admit it, but I'd venture that I'm not the only person in the world that has struggled with this. And some married people probably do too. But do you know what's easier than ending a bad relationship/marriage? Not starting one. So when you know it (like me), don't do it.

Remember that who you're attracted to may not be completely in your control, but what we choose to do with it is.