This basically sums up how I feel this weekend. Sometimes, life is hard and filled with big decisions. Sometimes, things aren't as great as you thought they would be. 

Everything moves but God. I thank God for big decisions, because I know that He is still good, and He is still in control. They're an opportunity to trample Satan. God will be faithful.

The crazy thing is that I am not an employee of God. How much I am loved or valued isn't based on performance. He doesn't need me for his purposes. I mean, I think he intends to use us all, and that is a gift to be used, but God is able to show others through other means how much he loves them. He is not confined to working through us. 

I am not an employee. I don't need to be cheerful enough or funny enough or perform enough to be loved more. 

No, because how great is the love the Father has lavished, that we should be called His children!

Jesus. Yours? Really? 

You love children simply because they are yours. Because they are a piece of you. You love children because you know them, and you know that (even when they screw up), their intentions usually aren't bad. You know your child's hurts and strengths.

You rejoice in their performance. It gives you pleasure as a parent, but not anymore love. 

And your children are never grown to you. They're always young. Always lacking a bit of your hard fought for wisdom. 

Jesus loves me. He loves you. He loves us all. 

And despite whatever happens professionally, I never have to fear that love leaving. I may frustrate my Father, but he specializes in grace and mercy. He longs to hear my reconciliation and confession. He wants a thank-you note for all the wonderful He has given me. 

It took me a long time to realize that I am not loved any more or any less based on what friends are around me now. It certainly is nice to be appreciated at work. We've got a fun rehab team! We're friends! But I have to accept, whether I'm lacking friends, or a boyfriend, or family approval, or anything, I am not lacking in God's love. 

Whatever circumstances I'm in right now are what God has deemed best for my life. Because I am His child and he works for the good of ALL his children. 

And you know what...right now I LOVE my life.

It's pretty fun. 

I'm in 10th grade AP Global or Honors English, and I see him.

There's chemistry, and I think we both feel it.

But I also know something else. 

That's the year that I learned to tell that

there is a difference between being attracted to someone and allowing myself to like someone.
Because I always felt torn. Conflicted. 

Attraction isn't based on character or morals or values or anything. It's just that easy feeling of talking together, laughing together, looking forward to passing by each other in the halls.
Attraction is easy and it's a high. 

And one of the hardest things in life is fighting it. 

I crushed a little, but then I decided that I was attracted to Alex*, and did not necessarily like him in a way that made any sense to date. Because the possibility of marriage has always kinda been the purpose of dating to me. 

So I fought it. 

And even all these years later, I'm glad I did. 

There's a guy at my new job (same parent company, closer to home), and it's that. Attraction. 

And it's hard. It's easy to want to throw away all of who you are sometimes when you enjoy who someone else is 

Because you can know in your head that it's not something to go for, but you see them, and they make you smile and laugh as you shake your head. 

It's easy to get caught up in the feeling, and hard to hold onto the thread of truth:

The basis for a good relationship is sacrifice for a common goal and common values and The Other. 

The end goal isn't to be happy. It's to refine you. 

But one cute guy that cares for your patients well can make you want to unlearn all that 

There's just a couple strands of thread that hold you back. 

But there ARE strands holding you back, and that's important. 

Here's what I cling to:

Mantra: "He's better off with someone else. I'm better off with someone else."

Logic: How would this pan out down the road when attraction eventually wears out? Competence is hot, but so are faith and love.

Morals: This guy isn't married, but obviously if they are, that's a no-never-no-at-all-costs. Adultery isn't okay. Ever. You don't do that to a sister. You don't do that to a brother. You don't do that to sacred vows. You wouldn't want to marry someone wondering if they would do the same thing (leave) you. 

Prayer: Through God, all things are possible. Even waiting or living life forever entirely single. The joy of the Lord can be my strength and fight the enemy's stronghold. Because when you look at what God really said, he never said that you're alone. Or a loser. Or strange. Or have something wrong with you. He says I know you intimately and am with you always. You are fearfully and wonderfully made [by ME]. I have plans for you, that no one else can complete. Your life has purpose. I see you. You. Are. Loved. 

Good books: Nothing like Jane Austen or Francine Rivers to remind me why waiting for the right guy is worthwhile. Sometimes fiction helps us imagine better. Imagine the full plan. I would never cheer for a heroine to run after the guy that I'm attracted to now. It just screams STAY AWAY.

Ultimately, I want a quality guy. Or none. Because being in conflict with a guy who won't stay home with his kids, who won't have a similar parenting philosophy, or will have huge bad habits is worse than being alone and making a way in my relatively-happy-sometimes-lonely life.

So I will continue to fight attraction, as evidence mounts until the day that I'm glad that I held out. Backed out.

It ain't pretty to admit it, but I'd venture that I'm not the only person in the world that has struggled with this. And some married people probably do too. But do you know what's easier than ending a bad relationship/marriage? Not starting one. So when you know it (like me), don't do it.

Remember that who you're attracted to may not be completely in your control, but what we choose to do with it is. 

So for the first 22 minutes, we were all answering professionally and intelligently. Then this happened (Lori A chatroom leader for Journal Club for Hand Therapists)

Lori A
How did the researchers enroll the participants?
Joyce D
They paid them each a sum of $4,000,000.00
Joyce D
(just kidding)
Bibianna L
hahah

Which opened the door later for...
Kay E.
I like the PEM questions including "fiddly things".
janet a
grip, PEM, number of therapy sessions & time to RTW
Lori A
The secondary outcome measures were grip strength at 6 and 8 weeks post repair, part 2 of the Patient Evaluation Measure (PEM) at 6 and 12 weeks post repair with slight modification of the wording, the number of therapy sessions attended, and time to return to work.
Ronnie M
I liked "fiddly things" too
Joyce D
Me three
Ronnie M
Gonna start using that

Standardized outcome measure questionnaire question "When I try to use my hand for fiddly things, it is now"

Anyhow, I also answered about power and effect size and error types etc, but oh yes I did and oh yes it was fun!

I finished my birth to 18 photo album this past weekend, which contains 50 of my favorite photos. What I realized tonight was this: I picked exactly one of the photos because I liked what I was wearing (a fav outfit that I wore 2x a week for 2+ years). That's it. All the others were of me covered in paint, playing outside, looking sassy while standing in a bucket of water, laughing in the lake, or surrounded by family and friends.

A truly full and happy life isn't at ALL about/reflected by the clothes we/our kids/our parents/our friends wear in pictures or blogs. Our lives about the beloveds in them, the little moments, the messy joy, what the pictures make us feel, how our joy soaks up a page.

A more in-depth reflection of the year is probably coming.

Here's a short post, however, on what I hope to see/do in 2015

-Do a solo overnight bike tour (read: carry tent and supplies)

-Camp in the backyard more (just for fun)
-Learn new survival skills (finding location with compass, making fire without matches or flint)

-Move out

-Take a trip (possibly abroad)

-See Rheanna

-Do an upper extremity continuing education course

-1x/month create learning sheet on clinical case

-Spend time deliberating before making any purchases over 50$

-1x a month, be a kid

-Bake bread cheerfully - 6x a year

-Rooms not clean? 15 minute max online

-Let God hijack my prayer life

-Take more walks

-Ride my bike for errands (weather permitting) on weekends

-Rejoice in hard work and labor
-Sew homemade gifts for close relatives

-Serve more (those in my family, those in my workplace, those in my community) 

Best of Country 2014

My 5 favorite country songs of 2014

Christmas cards

I decided that I'm cool enough this year to send out solo photo Christmas cards.

Because really, who doesn't like them more than the art one anyways?

And do my close friends and immediate family members want to see my face any less (if for no other reason than curiosity) just because I don't have a hunka hunka next to me?

My friends are scattered across the United States, and I may not see them often, but we're joined by shared experiences and the memories of some crazy nights racing roller chairs down the dorm hallways. 

Or running into the North Sea.

Or going into the Dead Sea. 

I don't want to let those friendships or memories go. 

My life is permanently fused to Rheanna's from OT school. 

I love and miss my Bible study peeps at WashU!

Dr. King? I doubt that I will ever be so blessed to have such a mentor again in my life. 

That lady is Girl-Power redefined, with a turbo-engine, and a few loose screws. 

I have Armenian friends I want to keep up with and a British friend I want to continue to stay in touch with.

I don't want to wait until I'm 60 and finally married to send out happy photo cards.

I'm happy right now, and I want to share it with you and return the joy I get from seeing YOUR photo cards

Whether you're solo or married or photographed with your grandmas. 

It's all worth celebrating! Go grandma's! 

Two days until I have them in my hands! Hopefully they come out well.

God and cool things

If you don't want to read about miracles or God, this post isn't for you. No offense taken. I just like having a documented history of my life. 

I went back in my online journal because it's that time of the year when my college roommate attempted suicide.

I went back, because while I've always recognized my going back to the room (class cancelled when I got there, backpack in the library. Paper due in two hours) as divine intervention, since it made no sense, 

it was the first time that I realize that it wasn't just "God"

But the Holy Spirit part of the trinity. 

I've been missing out, man.
I've been attending a non-denominational church lately. Something that was brought up in a documentary that we watched recently was that there's been a silent divorce in the church between those adhering to the power of the scripture and those believing in the power of the spirit. Both are correct, but like any divorce, some go with the mother, and some with the father.
I think that's pretty accurate. We desperately need both. And instead of throwing scripture at people who are uncertain, aren't we all initially looking for an encounter with the spirit?

I prayed in my car awhile back for the Lord to show me new and different ways to pray. I was on my way to a church's used bookstore that was started by a former classmate of mine. I'd been there 3 or 4 times before. How hilarious that when I got there, that very hour, the pastor was talking with another young girl. He asked his daughter, my classmate, and her sister to pray with them, and also asked me to join them. We all laid hands on her, and I felt so much power coursing through them. It was seriously electricity. I wasn't expecting it. I hadn't been looking for it, but there it was nonetheless. What was it?

I continued going to soccer on Wednesdays, but checking the church's website for their midweek service. Well, it turned out that they changed it to Thursdays, a day I could make. I went and sat in the back next to a man who had overdosed and gone to heaven (pronounced dead and everything). I had been contemplating a lot about Heaven and near death experiences, since I had recently read Heaven is for Real, and he basically confirmed everything. He went from a drug addict to a believer overnight. He'd met Jesus. How could he not? So nix that nagging question of whether all faiths believe the same God, or if Christianity is valid and the real faith. Proof of Heaven is a good book that also explores this. This skeptical neurosurgeon's brain was literally destroyed prior to/during his near death experience, confirming to him that it was not crazy random firing that led to him experiencing the Father. So cool.

Well my life has changed tremendously. I find myself living more of a one-piece life. I don't pray on the way to work and on the way home and then run from room to room to do treatment. I don't get angry or frustrated. I serve. It's all in.
Because I feel the spirit with me. Because I feel so much joy I want to serve everywhere. At home. At work. At the food pantry.

Because in his presence is fullness of joy. Because the joy of the Lord is my strength.
Because I've learned to listen and feel the nudging of the spirit. And I've learned how to pray honestly, and to feel the power of the spirit when I pray prayers pleasing to God.

First, everything that Pastor Tammy prayed for me came to pass.

I've had the gift of a good, clear, vivid dream from God, who preached patience. 

I've felt unburdened from the weight of our current family struggles.

I've felt joy when serving others, including my family, and find my actions, guided by the spirit aligned with and adjustable by scripture. 

And then there was this big miracle. Tuesday 10/25/14.

Part of the documentary movie involved watching followers of Christ demonstrating how they follow the holy spirit to bring healing. They went on a whirlwind adventure of the world, and were literally told by God who to pray for, for what, and would see the blind recover sight, those with bone fusions move, those with pain healed. Just to share that Jesus loves them with them. They were strangers, and yet the follower would hear from the spirit that the stranger needed his wrist healed, and his mom needed her kidney healed etc etc. It would be true.

Now, we have to be careful not to reduce the Lord to a magician. I believe that these gentlemen were spirit-led in deciding who to approach, and the power of the Jesus' and the Father healed them as the spirit filled them. Most of them were skeptics or unbelievers, and they weren't pressured to convert. It was just "Jesus loves you so much, man. And He wants you to know how much."

On Tuesday (five days after watching this), I was struggling with the thought of whether the spirit/healing "their gift" or whether that's something anyone can learn to do.
I was in the shower thinking "What would I do, God? How would I know if it's you? I wonder what I would ask for if I could ask for anything to be healed in me if someone offered. Is it as simple as asking for God to take my back pain away? Though really, I think I'd ask for him to take my anterior pelvic tilt away, because that would take away the root of the problem, not the symptom."

I've been doing exercises and stretches for the last year to try to correct my anterior pelvic tilt. A PT identified it years ago in high school, and it's very pronounced. Also, my my hamstrings are so tight. I could not put my leg up on my bed and lean forward due to tightness. I mean more than 5 degrees of leaning forward and I could go no farther.
So uncomfortable, and worrisome to me. I know that tilt leads to wear and tear on everything, too...knees, upper back, etc etc.
I try to have good posture, but it's so uncomfortable, and I haven't really been able to maintain it for more than a minute or two.

I'll be honest with you. I didn't really feel anything insanely supernatural right away.

Not through faith of my own (I believed that He could do things like that THROUGH other people TO other people), He chose to reveal himself to me in such a tangible way. I stepped out of the shower and caught sight of my new alignment in the mirror. I was astonished. I was completely relaxed with the most neutral pelvic tilt I've ever seen. I closed my eyes and opened them, relaxed, and it was still there.
So I tested it. I put my leg on the counter, and easily and comfortably brought my forehead to my knee. I couldn't believe it! Praise God! As an OT, I've worried about my heightened risk for back injury with my pelvic tilt, and the Lord seriously healed my back. It feels so young! All evening I felt things I had never felt before...that it can be comfortable to sleep on ones back, and that I can now press my back flat against the bed if I wanted to. I could do a SPLIT. I've NEVER been able to do that.

It was basically like the Lord changed my bones and ligaments and tendons for me. It is UNcomfortable for me to try to stand with tilt now.
I basically cried that God chose to do this to show his love towards me, especially when I was filled with such skepticism,  in a way that I could know that it was HIM. I know science. I know joint angles. I am wary of the placebo effect. It wasn't just "oh, my pain went away."
It was pelvic tilt, hamstring flexibility, new abilities, changes I can confirm over and over again. I can literally see my knees when I'm standing for the first time ever (with anterior pelvic tilt and the resulting hyperextended knees I haven't been able to).
I know it sounds nuts.
But it's SO TRUE.
And it's SO comfortable to stand and sit!

I can still stretch my hamstrings fully.
I've been working at that so long by my own power. It just shows how it pales in comparison to the Lord's. It also shows how limited my skills as an OT are. Sometimes, God may choose to heal through my work. But HE has all the power to heal...not I. My own stretches and efforts fell short for myself. He did something that I would have considered impossible, but the Lord has his power that isn't limited by my imagination. Continuing to grow in my journey with the Lord, and the Spirit, can help me know whether God wants me to pray over others for similar healing in the future.

I now know what He can do. And I am in complete and total awe from it. 

First World Problems

My month of service is going pretty well.

I'm trying to stave out laziness and replace it with joy. 

It's hard to serve others. Especially when the last eight years of my life were focused solely on me. 

My homework

My tests

My workload

My room. 

But being part of a family means more responsibilities. 

And responsibilities I often don't feel like. 

Sometimes I used to beg my mom to let me trade chores with my brother. "I hate vacuuming, and he doesn't mind, and I like dusting. I don't want to vacuum. Can't I dust?" 

My mom, in her wisdom, would say "Tough. There's things I don't want to do all the time that I have to do, and I don't get a choice."

If I were just trying to minimize laziness, I could do chores begrudgingly. Bitterly. But you know what? That doesn't lead to a very happy life. 

When I consider all the gifts that I've been given

A family that lets me stay at home while I get my feet on the ground

Food

Shelter

Dishes

Doing a bit of work doesn't seem so bad. 

Taking the burden off my mom? That seems kinda fun. 

Because once you have joy, you want to share it. 

I've realized that if I tap into my heart to serve, not my mind (which doesn't usually "feel like it"), I can get more accomplished. Heart can beat mind, every time. Not that I'm there yet, but I know I'm getting closer to it. 

The older I get, the more scary all the responsibilities become.
You know, I think that my generation is the messiest generation there is. And we own more stuff than any generation before us. Some of us don't even know another way but messy. It's sad, because how neat you keep your house as an adult becomes an extension of how neat you kept your room as a kid. I was a neat-freak through about age 10, then I got into the Clothes Pile phase. In school I was always too busy, but what's my excuse now? I don't feel like it?

So anyhow, I decided it was time to start feeling like it in my heart. I have victories and failures, but at least I'm making some progress.